"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."








Friday, December 4, 2009

Introspection

I promise I'll get back to normal posts soon.

In my last post, I admitted doing something completely out of character. I've spent the past couple of days thinking about it (and that's completely IN character). Why would I intentionally sabotage a fledgling relationship? The answer is: I knew it was going nowhere and I wanted to end things quickly, cleanly and with her thinking the break-up was her idea and that she was in no way at fault. Mission accomplished!

What was I doing in an awkward relationship to begin with? I usually go into things at a glacial pace, making certain of every step along the way [unlike the way I do trail races]. The answer has to do with the illness I had a few weeks ago. I nearly died. Try as I may to downplay how serious the illness was, there was a day when I wasn't sure if I had another day. That changes things. I remember thinking: if I pull through, there's going to have to be some changes. I guess I jumped into a relationship as some sort of life-affirming thing.

There are a few times in one's life when everything changes. One is when you realize you're completely responsible for someone else; most people go through this when a child is born, I went through it taking care of a dying parent. A second is when you realize that you're completely on your own; most people never really go through this, but you get a taste of it when your parents are gone. A third is when you have to face your own mortality; not when you know you're dying, but when you see it's a definite possibility of it in the near future (there's a resignation with a death sentence, a near-miss accident doesn't do it). Some soldiers go through all three of these at once!

The thing is: you can't explain these to anyone who hasn't gone through them. Those of you with children know you can't explain how your life changes when you have a child, it just does. Things changed for me recently, but I can't explain how and it's just easier to pretend that nothing happened and everything's back to the way it was. But I can't fool myself any more. Things changed and I have to deal with it.

Okay. Now, back to the usual stuff.

6 comments:

wildknits said...

Nice post... and you are right, there are not words to convey what those life changes events can mean...

GeorgiaSnail said...

A second is when you realize that you're completely on your own;

Having recently come to terms with that I totally get what you are saying...and as you said, right before I went through it, I could not for the life of me understand what others meant when they would talk about it...

Great post...

Diana said...

Great post. Life changes come and go, it's what we do with what we've learned from them that makes us what we are!

nwgdc said...

What a great post. After reading about the end of the 'relationship,' I was a bit confused. I didn't know why anyone (even you) would do that. I really appreciate the candor and the explanation contained within this post. As we prepare for baby #1, we are encountered with the fact that THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE. We're told it constantly, but there's no point in trying to understand it or getting mad at someone that mentions it, because it's simply something that you have to go through. And I haven't yet...
Thanks again for a GREAT post.

SteveQ said...

@Georgia Snail: sorry to hear you've been there, but you're not alone. I think one of the reasons people do long races is for the feeling that they're completely self-reliant (excepting crew, pacers, aid stations...)

Helen said...

It's a big part of the reason I do them... or at least the reason I enjoy them. But of course that independent streak is also a big part of the reason relationships can fail (at least in my case).

But hey, can't win em all.

Now aren't you glad you kept blogging?! We sure are...