I promise I'll get back to normal posts soon.
In my last post, I admitted doing something completely out of character. I've spent the past couple of days thinking about it (and that's completely IN character). Why would I intentionally sabotage a fledgling relationship? The answer is: I knew it was going nowhere and I wanted to end things quickly, cleanly and with her thinking the break-up was her idea and that she was in no way at fault. Mission accomplished!
What was I doing in an awkward relationship to begin with? I usually go into things at a glacial pace, making certain of every step along the way [unlike the way I do trail races]. The answer has to do with the illness I had a few weeks ago. I nearly died. Try as I may to downplay how serious the illness was, there was a day when I wasn't sure if I had another day. That changes things. I remember thinking: if I pull through, there's going to have to be some changes. I guess I jumped into a relationship as some sort of life-affirming thing.
There are a few times in one's life when everything changes. One is when you realize you're completely responsible for someone else; most people go through this when a child is born, I went through it taking care of a dying parent. A second is when you realize that you're completely on your own; most people never really go through this, but you get a taste of it when your parents are gone. A third is when you have to face your own mortality; not when you know you're dying, but when you see it's a definite possibility of it in the near future (there's a resignation with a death sentence, a near-miss accident doesn't do it). Some soldiers go through all three of these at once!
The thing is: you can't explain these to anyone who hasn't gone through them. Those of you with children know you can't explain how your life changes when you have a child, it just does. Things changed for me recently, but I can't explain how and it's just easier to pretend that nothing happened and everything's back to the way it was. But I can't fool myself any more. Things changed and I have to deal with it.
Okay. Now, back to the usual stuff.
Fisher's Big Wheel
1 week ago