A Letter to "Vain Girl"

When Vain Girl [I was tempted to give her a horrible nickname, like "Gitmo Gertie"] and I broke up, there were things I wanted to say, but didn't. Now that there's been a little time, I think they're actually of more general interest than I would've expected.

On my looking at other women

What gets my attention and what I find attractive are two very different things. A pretty girl is like a ringing cell phone: I can't help but notice, but unless it belongs to me, it's really just a nuisance.

On my having dated some very skinny women

Skinny only works when you're very young. If a 15 year-old has a growth spurt and is all arms and legs, it's cute, but it's a look that becomes harder to make work every year. By 25, you've given up on being Smart Girl or Sophisticated Girl or Stylish Girl and have settled on forever being known as Skinny Girl... and it's a little sad. By 35, you look tired and desperate and I'm wishing you had a topic of conversation other than what you ate and how fat your friends look. By 45, you just look frail and sick.

On cellulite

Stop worrying about it. Men don't care. Really. No man has ever said "I'd sleep with her, but she has cellulite." It's like frosting on a cake; men don't care whether the frosting is smoothe or textured, we're just thinking, "Yay! I'm getting cake!"

On what's really sexy

There comes a point, usually in her mid-30's, when a woman comes to accept herself, understands how her body works, knows what she wants and has the confidence to ask for it - and that's sexy. For example, redheads, when they're young, hate their hair and want to look like everyone else. Then they go through a phase where they go overboard in liking their uniqueness; they grow their hair long, dye it a more vibrant red and their wardrobe seems to become almost entirely red to accentuate it. Eventually, they realize "Jessica Rabbit" is not really a look that works for them and they cut their hair, dye it a more subdued color and change their wardrobe.

And that's about the time I hear you say, "Jeez, take a picture, why don't you? I can't believe that that's what you like. Did you see her shoes?..."

Added: and the fact that I've watched this twice doesn't make me a hypocrite ;-)