Tomorrow's my birthday. The plans I had are quickly falling apart due to weather (which happens 4 out of 5 years on my birthday). So what do I want for my birthday? How about a laugh?
Here's (a bad) one to prime the pump:
There's a bar at the top of a skyscraper. One guy there turns to another and says, "You know, I'm the architect that designed this building. The thing I'm most proud of is all the built-in safety features. The best thing is that, if you jump out a window, the updrafts will carry you right back. C'mon, I'll show you." They go out onto a balcony and the guy jumps. He falls and falls and falls... and then slowly starts rising again and steps back onto the balcony. "It's great," he says, "You have to try it." The other guy's a little tentative, but he leaps. He falls and falls and falls and... splat! he hits the sidewalk. The first guy goes back inside and the bartender says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."
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Superman was way more fun to be around when he was doing 'ludes. Guy's kinda high-strung.
Here's your joke:
A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
O yeah.
Happy etc.
The problem, indeed, is that the Phillies are playing. And they're on the west coast now, so last night's game, Lee v. Baumgarner, didn't start until 10:10, East Coast time. And I had to stay up to make sure DirecTV Extra Innings recorded the Philadelphia feed because DirecTV doesn't tell you which is which (in the Phils' last game against the Rockies, we got the Rockies guys (the game, played in the afternoon, taped while I was at work) and Ian kept saying how "annoying" they were because he's used to the Phillies' guys who are such total homers they never say anything bad about the Phils, which is how he - and I - prefer it) ... and of course, then I started watching the game .... just till 10:30, I told myself, and I'd watch the rest in the morning on the DVR. Of course, 10:30 turned into 11, which turned into 11:30 - finally tore myself away from the TV at 11:30, after 6 full innings.
But it was tough because Baumgarner was pitching well but Lee was even better but these things can turn pretty quickly.
Luckily, they didn't, and Lee won, 3-zip. (His 5th shutout; first Phillies pitcher to have 5 in one season since S. Carlton in '82.)
Hunter Pence hit a titanic dinger for the first (and winning) run. "Let's go eat!" <-- Hunter's rallying cry. Long story.
So I got to bed late and got up early and that's pretty much my life. Except when Ian hauls me out to pitch to him. Or when he wants to practice his pitching to me. That's when he hit me in the toe with his sinker - and all I was wearing was open-toed sandals.
That's what i get for playing hippie baseball.
I don't have the time to do anything else these days. And I'm hoping that situation lasts till November.
(My toe was healed enough to run 7 miles on just yesterday, though. I heal fast like Teh 'Dad, I guess.)
Here's a good one.
The Phillies.
They say brevity is the soul of wit.
(takes a bow.)
Happy (almost) birthday!
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an agnostic and an insomniac?
A guy who lays awake all night and wonders if there really is a dog.
I can tell this because I'm a blonde
Blonde gal was driving in Kansas when she saw another blonde in the middle of a wheat field in a rowboat rowing like crazy and of course not making any progress.
The driving blonde slammed on her brakes, got out of the car and shouted:
"You know it's blondes like you who give blondes like me a bad name...."
"and if I could swim I'd come out there and whoop your ass!"
Was that a moose on the loose I just saw?
Guilty, Keith - it's me! I just returned from your country (but then, you probably knew that, what with your stellar cyber stalking skills.) Mr. Moose and I went to Nova Scotia and saw the Bay of Fundy and Cape Breton Highlands. Pretty awesome.
How do you turn a platypus into a R & B singer?
A: Put him in the microwave until his 'bill withers'.
Happy Birthday (early)!!
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are discussing the 7th dimension over lunch.
The engineer states: "talking about the 7th dimension is pointless. I can't imagine it and it can't be applied to science in any practical sense.
The physicist says: "It's very abstract, but I feel multiple dimensions helps our understanding of non-linear space and relativity. But I have to admit I can't imagine the 7th dimension.
The mathematician looks at this friends with some condescendence and asks, " how can you not imagine it?!? You can't imagine the Nth dimension and N = 7?"
It's my favorite joke (out of the maybe 5 I can remember).
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Steve! Hope you had a great day!
Here is a favorite (this one only really works well in written form):
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire out on the open range.
The first cowboy says, "I have to believe I am the toughest cowboy there is. Last week, a big 'ol bull got loose in the corral and gored three men before I wrestled the thing to the ground with my bare hands."
The second cowboy, acting unimpressed, jumped in. "That's nothing! Out on the trail yesterday, a huge rattlesnake slithered out of the sagebrush. I grabbed that thing and bit its head off, poison and all, and I am still here. So I think I am the roughest, toughest cowboy alive."
The third cowboy sat in silence, slowly stirring the coals of the campfire with his penis.
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