"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."

Friday, January 7, 2011

Steve Goes On a Date

I freely admit I'm not much of a catch, but look at who else is out there:

When I went to pick up Angie for our dinner date, I had to spend some time talking with her roommate while Angie did her last-minute preparations (I think she was waiting for the primer and base coat to get tacky before applying top coat and sealer). Her roommate opened the refrigerator and I noticed there was a bottle of prune juice and a bottle of cranberry juice, so I immediately asked myself "Am I dating the one with heavy periods and constipation, or the one with the yeast infection?" because that's what those products always mean.

Turns out, Angie was both. I know because she told me. During dinner.

- Oh, so that's her deal. That's why she's still available.  She has no boundaries. That's okay, I can live with that. [Obviously. I mean, look at what I'm writing here!]

Then she went on to say that Obama isn't really our president because he wasn't born in the United States.

- Oh Lord, she's one of them!

I pointed out that both his birth certificate and the hospital records show he was born in Hawaii and that both can be viewed on the internet. She said that those were fake. Then she went on to say that it didn't matter anyway, because Hawaii wasn't part of the U.S. at that time. I (trying to rein in what I would ordinarily say) pointed out that Hawaii became a state in 1959 and had been U.S. territory since 1900. She told me I was wrong.

- I can live with opposing political views (my dad and I canceled each other's votes every time). But defiantly ignorant? Stupid and unwilling to accept undeniable facts like the statehood of Hawaii???

This date was obviously not going to go anywhere, so I started playing the game of: just how hot would she have to be for me to overlook how awful her personality is?

Then she suggested not leaving a tip, because "we shouldn't encourage those people coming here and taking our jobs."

- Oh, so when did you wait tables at this restaurant, Angie?

Wow, a reactionary bigot. Just how hot would she have to be....

Ummm, where was I?

No, there just isn't such a thing as hot enough to, um...

Maybe I should get back to running in nasty weather. I could use a cold slap in the face.

Added disclaimer: this story was highly embellished. That should be obvious. The irritation level was about right and I didn't want to appear too picky. The details were correct, but "Angie" is a mix of four different women.


Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

ZOMG, you made this up! An ignorant Birther-Teabagger-Limbaugh-Like-Yeast-Infected-Poop-Hoarder?

Calling central casting! Too perfect!

What? You couldn't make her a Nazi, too?


SteveQ said...

@G: Oops. I posted before adding the disclaimer. You are correct, sir. Busted!

ShutUpandRun said...

I am laughing my ass off at the prune/cranberry juice comment and that she was both of them. I hadn't heard about the prune period link, but leave it to you to know that.

Sometimes I think some people don't know that Hawaii is part of the US.

Lastly, why is my picture not up there at the end. Why???

Did you make this up? I don't care. It was funny.

ShutUpandRun said...

OK you made it up. But I still laughed.

SteveQ said...

@SUAR: Prune juice is famed for being high in iron, so it's commonly used for menstruation-based anemia.

Do you know hard it was for me to post pictures only of brunettes for a change? You only got excluded because of that, I assure you.

sea legs girl said...

I really wish you hadn't added that disclaimer! I feel like such an idiot since I believed everything - except that both of those types of juices were in the fridge. I was already feeling bad for Angie and hoping she wouldn't read the blog post.

Glaven, on the otherhand, has gone through a life time of people pulling fast ones on him - and he's not taking it anymore!

Oh, thanks for including that picture of me, btw.

Word verification

"imeduc" - most people would read that and think "I'm a duck".

But not me, I read it and think "I'm a doc"! Yay, me! It's funny cuz it's true!

Anonymous said...

No doubt. A lot of crumbs and dead weight out there. Hell, Jersey Shore... Back to my book thank you.

You forgot a photo of Nelly Furtado


Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Hey, here's someone you could date! Bet you could even score on the first date!

Then, afterwards? You could just talk to the hand. (<-- Most Overused Word or Phrase from Year 1991. EPIC FAIL on my part!)

Actually, when I first read this post? I didn't think it was a composite. My first thought was, "Dr. Nic has an unmarried sister?"

In conclusion, I'd like to give a special "Fuck You" to your blog for giving me the word verification word "elder". LIKE I DON'T ALREADY KNOW I'M A GEEZER!1!

SteveQ said...

Bonus points to anyone who could name all three women pictured without cheating by looking at the links for the photos.

Beth said...


Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Well, I definitely WROTE that "elder" post. It's possible I accidentally neglected to publish it. But it's obviously not here.

Too bad. it was a good one.

Let's see if this one sticks.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

This time? Word Verification= "exprom".

Now that's just puzzling. It doesn't particularly sting.