"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Oversharing Aplenty

There's no running in this post. Look elsewhere.

When I broke up with Jenny, I started seeing a therapist. Paying a fortune to see a woman for an hour once a week with absolutely no chance of sex... it's a lot like dating Jenny was. It doesn't take a genius to see that, as I haven't ever had a normal healthy relationship, it just might be ME that's the problem. When I get asked why I never married, I usually respond "My standards are too high. I'm holding out for someone who can tolerate me."

So, Dr. S. (not a doctor, btw) suggested I go to a meeting where a self-proclaimed "relationship expert" was speaking.
- I don't think so. Guys don't go to things like that.
"There'll be a lot of women there looking for relationships."
- No woman there would be interested in a man who went to something like that.
"You might learn something."
- And what makes this woman a relationship expert?
"Among other things, she's been married for 20 years."
- So she knows one way that works. In 20 years, I've had HUNDREDS of relationships!
(Dr. S. does not laugh.)

I didn't go.

"Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws I don't work on!" - Homer Simpson.

So, really, what's the deal with all the failed relationships? Let's review:

First there was Stacy. Paranoid schizophrenic with an eating disorder who ended up believing that all food and medicine was poisonous and starved to death. That relationship messed me up pretty seriously.

Skip ahead to Theresa. (sorry for the next sentence's grammar) She used me to get the grades she needed to get an internship, where she met the guy she dumped me for and who she used to get the job where she met the guy she dumped him for to marry the guy who was willing to pay her way through medical school. Upon starting med. school and having my brother for an instructor, she looked me up to see if I'd get her through her classes again. Either she was a sociopath or she's completely average and this is a world I do not care to inhabit.

Skip way ahead to Lori. She and I were so much alike it was scary. We were one of those couples who finished each others' sentences and unintentionally dressed alike. She pointed out to me that one of our commonalities was a form of autism - this seriously messed up my worldview for a long time - and that much of what I saw as common ground was mere personality disorder. (Killjoy.) We had the added problem of living in different cities; I considered putting my mother in a nursing home so that I could move to Chicago and take a position with her father's company (for which I wasn't qualified) so that we could be together. There was a bigger problem: she wanted children, more specifically wanted to bear children, but thought that there was too high a chance of the two of us having a child with severe autism that we were not emotionally equipped to raise. Essentially, she wanted to marry me and have another man's child. Now, if there were an infertility problem, I might consider it. If she had had a child before we met, I would've adopted without qualm. We circled this problem for a long time. Then I received a phone call from her sister saying she'd had an aortic dissection and died.

Dating me is not good for your longevity...

Now to Jenny. We'd met before I met Lori. There's no meet-cute story, I was just a frequent customer where she worked at the time - I had a serious drinking problem at the time (for the record, three years of sobriety and AA meetings and then found that I wasn't an alcoholic, it just wasn't exactly helping to be drunk all the time). I got to meet the people she dated - first a blond lumberjack-type, who couldn't (I thought) be more different from me, then a short swarthy older man fond of Members Only jackets who must've shared musical interests with her (that's all I could figure) and then someone she worked with... a woman. I wasn't about to start up with a woman who couldn't have a monogamous relationship because she couldn't confine herself to one gender. 15 years later, I wasn't so choosy! Nothing had changed except we were older. I was willing to give us a try, knowing that she would at some point have an affair with a woman (and I didn't want to know about it) as long as I had some say as to who her female friends were. I broke things off because I didn't like my girlfriend's girlfriend.

So, it looks like my mistake has always been choosing to date women who were just horrible choices.

That's who's left. If you thought it was bad being the last one chosen for softball teams in high school, try being the last single man in the midwest!

Once again, so... there's someone new on my radar. Just a bad choice. Really, really bad idea. I may or may not give details as they develop.

Now, back to the usual blog stuff again.


shannon said...

Just finished commenting on your last post. Since I'm already here I'll comment here too. I have to admit, you've had a very interesting dating experience. Good luck with your "someone new"!

stillwaterrunner said...

Hey Steve. I was wondering if you would consider including my blog on your Midwest Trail Running Blogs" list.


I come to your site to follow your blog and to see what other bloggers are posting.

Thanks and good luck with your dating and running.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

O, man - thanks, shannon! For some reason I'm glad I'm not first on this post.

If it helps any, Steve, as I've noted before, I think Dr. Nic is coming on to you, so if, like that last gf, you're not choosy about gender ... or political persuasion ... or haircut choice ... O, hell, let's just say if you're not choosy PERIOD .. you could do worse than R. Nic.

Just kidding! No you couldn't! (Do worse than Dr. Nic, that is.)

You say your standards are too high because you're holding out for someone who can stand you - that's funny ... but I want to remind you of a post I did awhile ago in which I described Teh 'Bride singing along with the Tommy James song "Draggin' the Line". Except she's all, "Toein' the line, (toeing' the line) BAMP BAMP!" And then i went into this whole long disquisition on how she WAS GETTING IT WRONG and I could prove it and did and she just turned to me and, the next time the chorus rolled around, went: "Toein' the line, (toeing' the line) BAMP BAMP!" even louder.

And you see THAT's why I love Teh 'Bride! Because I COULD NOT be married to someone who capitulated to my rhetorical bullying. And Teh 'Bride? She sure doesn't! Because I'd just end up thinking a more "agreeable" person weak-willed and she, well ... she'd end up hating me for being an overbearing know-it-all.

I needed someone who wouldn't be intimidated by me ... and I found her. Someone, to use your words, who could tolerate me, my flaws.

And being Irish, I'm not usually all sunshine and optimism - Gloom, Doom, Guinness and Potatoes being our ethnic specialties - but I think there's still time and hope for you. I mean, I was sure there wasn't for me, but ... there was!

I'm wishing you the best in this pursuit. Don't throw in the towel!

RBR said...

I say go for it. (The new love interest, I mean. Even if it is Dr. Nic. I have seen him, he is pretty hot, but he does have some baggage...) You never know about a relationship until you try.

Everyone told my now husband that I was totally wrong for him. I believe the quote was "Run like hell from that crazy bitch." Over 19 years later and that crazy bitch is still at his side and I think it worked out pretty well.

I adore you and think you are quite a catch, you just need to find the right fisherman (no gender implied in that reference, but, in response to "Jenny", being physically attracted to both sexes does not mean you can not be monogamous. Love is still love, IMHO.)

Anonymous said...

don't feel bad dude. I'm single, so that makes two of us in the midwest.
Then again I could care less that I'm single. Good luck with the new prospect.


"Good work ain't cheap. Cheap work ain't good."

- Norman "Sailor Jerry" Collins

Xenia said...

I'm single and was born in the midwest. Does that count me as part of the club?

I agree with G and RBR. With over 6 billion people in the world, odds are you're going to have to go through a whole lotta wrongs to find the right one. Keep trying.

Also, please tell me what the hell you do/did for a living? You're probably the most educated person I know and I still have no clue.

PiccolaPineCone said...

I too am so very curious to know what your big, fat, juicy brain does for a living. I have been meaning to ask for awhile.

ShutUpandRun said...

The Homer quote rules.

I'd stay away from any relationship expert too. They're usually full of shit. No one is an expert at relationships.

Your girl is waiting out there. I just know it.

ShutUpandRun said...

PS: I love oversharing. Makes for the best posts.

SteveQ said...

@Wynn and Xenia: I meant I'm the last of my age left standing - you're both embryos.

@Xenia and PPC: As the mobsters say, "Don't ever ask me about my business." People ask all the time and I rotate between five different lies. I'm pretty much unemployable.

Beth said...

SteveQ: don't give up, brother. It took me FOREVER to find someone, and I've got some pretty serious horror stories myself.

My advice, not that you asked for it, is to keep an open mind, but pay attention to your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, chances are ... it's not right.

Good luck!! :)