"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."

Monday, September 20, 2010

Steve Goes Grocery Shopping

After I complained that it's impossible to date, as I never meet anyone, a friend of mine suggested (after "try running somewhere where there's more people than deer and slowing down a bit") that I try the grocery store.
-How quaint. Women who eat. Worth a try...

I went to the local market and wondered just how one is supposed to do this. I looked for the signs of someone available - a shopping cart full of Haagen-Dazs and Kleenex seemed the thing - but this was ridiculous. I mean, how do you start a conversation in a grocery store?
- Nice melons! (slap)

I tried the "pathetic guy, lost and searching" ploy, as it comes naturally. I was digging through piles of meat, waiting for someone to ask if they could help me find something.
-Yeah, I'm looking for the sinew of the inside of the thigh. I was reading Leviticus, and it's specifically forbidden. I figure: if Jews can't eat bacon or lobster and those are freakin' delicious, this sinew thingie has to be great, right? Of course, there's this whole thing about men greeting each other by "placing their hands beneath their thighs" which turns out to be a euphemism for "grabbing their package," so the Old Testament appears to have happened in Brooklyn, and that might mean that this sinew is really...

Back to the produce.
- Have you ever tried carambola? I have a recipe for a tartlet that uses it and... I'm coming off way too metrosexual for a guy who hasn't shaved this week.

Frozen foods... woman with 15 boxes of TV dinners and a box of wine. Hmmm.

Next, woman with cart containing Activia, Beano, Lact-Aid and a 24-pack of toilet tissue. She seems a little preoccupied.

Man, I can't wait to be able to run again and have something real to write. I'm betting you feel the same!


Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

"try running somewhere where there's more people than deer and slowing down a bit"

Pfffttt! Stupid friend! If you slow down, you'll never catch the deer! Then how will you have sex with them?

Which I assume is the goal here because frankly?

The people are out of your league.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Man, I can't wait to be able to run again and have something real to write. I'm betting you feel the same!

Wrong again! Hahahahahahha! This is the funniest post you've uploaded in a long time!

Way funnier than that time you blogged about hurting yourself ... you know, in the previous 627 posts ...

Anonymous said...

This entry is just as interesting/funny as you writing about cutting tangents in the forest during a 10k trail race.

ShutUpandRun said...

I was a little preoccupied with my GI issues when you saw me that day in the store. That Beano shit does not work.

Glad to see anonymous is alive and kicking on your blog today.

Diana said...

Who suggested you try to pick up women in the grocery store? Men who try to talk to me while I am a)attempting to enjoy a little time to myself or b)buying stuff as quickly as possible so I can get on with my day, creep me out. Bad advice given to you, very bad advice.

Anonymous said...

Whoops, I realize my first comment could be misread as sarcasm - sorry, not my intention, was trying to say that whatever you write I find to be informative, funny, and honest.

Heal up fast!

Ewa said...

I am with Diana on that one. Grocery store pickups work only in Hollywood. You would not happen to live there. :)

Julie said...

So, the person who suggested the grocery store pick-up, have they had any luck at this? Because women in a grocery stare are on a mission. They usually don't want to talk while their milk is going sour and their Ben & Jerry's is melting.

Now a cooking class, that might have more...class.

RBR said...

Classic SQ. Love it. Thank you.

I am so glad I did not have to pretend to read about 2:30 marathoners again. :)

Not a good idea for me to read it yesterday during my meeting where I was using my computer to "take thorough notes." The snorting giggles kind of gave me away.

Re: Your comment: Marmots are sooooo much cuter than Walruses! Me thinks you are warming up to me ;)