"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."








Monday, May 24, 2010

How to Survive "Sex in the City 2"

It's going to be 93 degrees with a dewpoint of 72 today (for those who think metric, that's 307 Kelvin. If you go metric, go all the way) in Minneapolis, so if you have to watch the new Sex in the City movie, this would be the day to take advantage of the air conditioning; otherwise you're going to end up at a restaurant wondering why you have to put up with patio seating and if women are just like cats, looking for the warmest spot where they can watch things go by.

I have a bit of a reputation in Guy World. If I walk into a sports bar, a hush fills the room as guys turn to each other and say, "That's the guy who watched every episode of Sex in the City and discussed them with his girlfriend after!" Some misty-eyed guy will tell me "God bless you, sir" and buy the next round.

If you have to watch this movie, have a plan. Here's some ideas:

1) Watch just the guys on screen. These are great guys, being treated horribly by villainous women and you're dating a woman who actually admires those women. Try to figure out why they don't run away - they could do so much better - and maybe you'll figure out why you're watching this movie. It's cheaper than psychotherapy.

2) Follow the shoes. Carrie reportedly has 42 changes of outfit in this movie. She can't have packed all those shoes for the trip they take, so where is she getting them? Try to figure out where they're hiding the Manolo Blahnik boutiques on her way (and yes, you'll have to learn "Manolo" and "Jimmy Choo," but you don't have to know which is which).

3) Try to decide if the story's written for "three hookers and their mother" as it's described by Stewie in "Family Guy," or if the women are actually drag queens. The female characters and their stereotyped flamboyant gay male friends are pretty much interchangeable, so I go with the latter.

4) Bring an i-Pod and try to sync the movie to "Dark Side of the Moon." It won't work, but at least you'll be hearing better music.

5) Laugh randomly, inappropriately and loudly. If you're lucky, your date will insist you leave. Afterward, when you have the argument (and you will have an argument), tell her, "You're such a Charlotte!" It'll take her aback. She might even wonder if you understand the movie better than she does. Every woman thinks she's Carrie, so suggesting she's like one of the others will turn her world upside down; do NOT tell her she's a Samantha (that's calling her a whore) or a Miranda (that's calling her a bitch). Charlotte's just a gold-digger (Carrie's the neurotic basket case), so at worst, you're going to have a couple of cheap dates in the future as she tries not to be like Charlotte.

7 comments:

Emz said...

OMGosh.

You
are
my
hero.

I work in the fashion industry & I can only handle this movie in "mute" mode. [have only seen the first one].

but the shoes. the shoes. I need the shoes. love the shoes.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

You, SteveQ, are a total Scarlet.

Is that once of the options?

Why can't I just call you a whoo-wer if what I mean is, "You're a whoo-wer!"? Why do I ahve to familiarize myself with one of the biggest pieces of pop-cultural sh*t since Teh Macarena?

And the f*cking shoes! Kill me now!1!

OMG!1! I'm a a Miriam! (Is that one of them? The b*tchy one?)

RBR said...

for those who think metric, that's 307 Kelvin. If you go metric, go all the way

Oh, how I love thee

I have never seen Sex in the City, either on TV or the movie (really '2' they made a sequel?)

See? I can't be a tranny.

I do have a shoe thing though, but I have already said too much ;)

PiccolaPineCone said...

ok, i have been really far removed from the north american pop culture scene this year but huh?? i could have sworn that the sex & city movie came out a few years ago didn't it? i vaguely recall a very dramatic scene with carrie about to get married and big not showing up and some very dramatic dropping of the bouquet and swooning.... surely there isn't ANOTHER sex & city movie is there?? actually you know what? never mind. i really don't care. sex & city was always way too annoying on way too many levels - i am sick of movies/tv shows/jokes that rely on hackneyed gender stereotypes for humor, stereotypes which are insulting and unfair to BOTH genders. men are all cheating, sex-obsessed moronic bufoons. ha ha ha. women are all bitchy, nagging, image-obsessed gold diggers. ha ha ha. can't we do better than this for entertainment?
woah, that was a rant.

joyRuN said...

My hubs would leave me if I drag him to this movie. Maybe I need to show him your post first.

Jennythenipper said...

This is great, Steve. I actually have only watched a couple of episodes and I can't tell the difference between Monolos and Jimmy Choos.

Jen said...

So I pretty much hate everything that this movie represents, but my book club wanted to go see it together - so I went. I had a fabulous time! It's such a parody of itself, I was laughing at all the wrong times. It didn't hurt that I had had Jameson, Guinness, and a dirty vodka martini before attending (ALL my friends had Cosmos, of course). A good time can be had. See it, just see it drunk. :)