"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."

Friday, April 23, 2010

Last Post (for a while)

I've decided on option number 4: end the blog until things in my life start approaching normal again. It may be a long wait. Last August, I claimed to be ending the blog and came back two weeks later. Things are much worse now.

Yesterday, I went to a mediated support group. I showed up early and everyone (except me) was milling about, chatting. We started and I was the first to introduce myself (after some facilitators). "It's too crowded, too noisy and too warm and it's stressing me out even more." I lasted less than 5 minutes.

Yay, me.

I went for a run yesterday at the Brickyard. The plan was for about 90 minutes, but 3 miles and 22 minutes was the result [for the uninitiated, that's a steep hill - sub 5 minute mile pace (sometimes sub-4) downhill]. I found myself in the woods along the cliff, staring up through the parallel lines of dead tree trunks into a pure blue sky. I wasn't sure where I was. I spat out half a tooth - where'd THAT come from? It was like I was imprisoned, those trees being bars, I couldn't move. I lost track of time.

If you ever wondered what rock-bottom-brink-of-insanity looks like, there it was.

I made some calls, left messages, unanswered for the most part, though starting to trickle in.

I'm going to be some time in hospital, under self-commitment, so I'll have plenty of time to blog, but I won't be doing it. I'm having trouble making the necessary actions, which is why I'm writing this, rather than doing what I should be doing. We "tough guys" have trouble letting go.

I'll be back and I'll undoubtedly show up in comments on other blogs.


Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I'm not sure what the appropriate response to this is because, while I'm upset to hear that last night did not go well, I'm glad you're seeking help elsewhere. Do what it takes; try everything.

I'll miss your posts. I'm almost always the first to comment on them, and that's no accident. I'll bypass other blogs' posts that have been sitting around for hours or days to read a new one by you.

I'm hoping you'll find it's harder than you think not to post. Writing can be therapeutic (<--Yeah, that gets an 11 on the triteness meter, I know. But it's true. And yes I'm aware trying to justify a trite phrase by claiming "It's true" scores a 12 on the triteness meter, a development not even Spinal Tap anticipated).

In any case, I did sneak a vid of Teh 'B. up on youtube a few months ago. (She doesn't know and would kill me, so mum's the word.)

It's here.

SteveQ said...

Thanks, Tom. (and I love the sentiment of the video)

Xenia said...

Take care of you. That's what is most important. Come back when you can and if you want to.

Good luck.

Needlerunning said...

Good luck Steve. Like Glaven, I come to read your posts before others. While I may not get your literary references, I enjoy your writing.

Hope you are back soon.

Ewa said...

I have just found your blog and it seems I will lose it now.
Good luck on your journey and take care. I hope you will come back to blogging soon. I will enjoy reading your posts tremendously.

The Lorax said...

Det skal nok gå.

sea legs girl said...

Sorry that was just the Lorax letting you know he's worried, too!

I really hope you're back to yourself again soon. I find myself at a bit of a loss for words here and keep reading that post thinking, Why did he lose half a tooth? How is 3 miles in 22 mintues less than 5 min per mile pace?

But I will just say that I once again agree with GQH that writing IS therapeutic and there is no shame in writing just for that reason. Also to let us know that you are okay :).

Diana said...

Take care of yourself. I've just recently discovered your blog, and I will look forward to its return (whenever that may be). Maybe I'll run into you in the comments section over at my blog.

ShutUpandRun said...

I'd like to know more about the tooth.

We will miss you. Hope you keep the witty comments coming on my blog. Glow stick tampon anyone?

RBR said...

I am proud of you for recognizing the need for help and making yourself safe. (Ok, I may have blown the mercury off the top of the triteness scale, but I truly hope you do not take offense. It is meant with true concern and admiration) It gets better. I swear it does. I understand this journey far more than I think you know. Or maybe you do know, since you are so much smarter than your average bear. :)

Your voice will be missed in blogland. My email is accessible through my blog (stacey_rader at yahoo dot com) If you need anything please do not hesitate to drop me a line. That is not as magnanimous as it sounds as I would love to hear from you. *smooches* (the damn triteness meter is already blown I may as well live it up)

Diana said...

I know what to do about people with physical pains, I'm not trained for psychological issues. So happy to hear you're asking/getting help. Also sorry to hear you'll be away from blogland, but it's understandable. I hope all goes well and you find what needs to be found.
Look forward to some updates when you can.
Take care of "you"

Meghan said...

Dude, take care of you.

Londell said...

Wow that sucks but great you are wise enough to realize when you are at that place where you seek the right help. Take care and get better.

wildknits said...

"We tough guys have trouble letting go"

Glad to hear you are making the important decisions needed to care for yourself.

Will be here when you get back... but hey, no pressure! ;->

Run Home Pam said...

Take care, Steve. Been there. Hang on. It will end.

Drs. Cynthia and David said...

Sounds like something is definitely wrong. At least you're aware of the fact and doing something about it- that's a good sign. There may be a physical reason for your troubles, and you're not losing your mind- so be sure to get a thorough physical, checking over for all the stuff that could be contributing (e.g., correcting vitamin deficiencies is an easy thing to fix - B12 deficiency shows up as mental status changes). We're rooting for you!


joyRuN said...

Take care of yourself, SQ. We'll be hanging around like the shiftless delinquents we are for you.

Jean said...

Steve, my thoughts are with you. Please take care, and do what you need to do to get better. We will keep the blogosphere warm for you, and we greatly look forward to reading more from you when the time is right.

All the best to you, Steve.

Scream'n Turtle said...

After watching 2 siblings of mine, battle with these isssue's, i'm glad you noticed things were out of order and still able to give out a hand for help. THAT's the most important part.
Like every person stated, I always head to your post first- me included.
Take time-recover- and wish you the best of luck.
We'll all be waiting here for you. No rush-only when it's time for you.

RBR said...

...tRNA modifications to selenocysteine, beta bundle folding...

Fucking show off. ;)

Love you, man.

Beth said...

From the first time I read your blog I knew you were a smart guy, and knowing that you need some help and getting it is the proof that I was right. Given how hard you push yourself in your training and racing, I have no doubt that you will persevere in your fight against depression or whatever else is thrown your way. Take care and I hope to see you back at your blogging/running/normally scheduled program soon.

Matthew Patten said...

If your absence is too long, you will miss the debut of the "prison ale"

You and I are on the label.

Do your thing and get back out there.

Helen said...

I've already made that t-shirt for you to wear at Afton so get yourself well by then.

Take care,

PiccolaPineCone said...

I feel fortunate that I have not yet read your whole blog so I have some posts to tide me over in your absence. Take care! I wish you all the best in your journey to recovery.

kelly said...

Steve, I am going to miss you my friend. I don't know you, but I hope to one day meet you on the trail. Take good care of yourself and know that you have many concerned people thinking about you. I will miss your blog. It's one of my favorites. Do what you have to do to feel better. This world is a better place with you in it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

Steve, be well. Not sure what the demons are but it does not matter there color. I wish you well in the days ahead.