I've decided on option number 4: end the blog until things in my life start approaching normal again. It may be a long wait. Last August, I claimed to be ending the blog and came back two weeks later. Things are much worse now.
Yesterday, I went to a mediated support group. I showed up early and everyone (except me) was milling about, chatting. We started and I was the first to introduce myself (after some facilitators). "It's too crowded, too noisy and too warm and it's stressing me out even more." I lasted less than 5 minutes.
I went for a run yesterday at the Brickyard. The plan was for about 90 minutes, but 3 miles and 22 minutes was the result [for the uninitiated, that's a steep hill - sub 5 minute mile pace (sometimes sub-4) downhill]. I found myself in the woods along the cliff, staring up through the parallel lines of dead tree trunks into a pure blue sky. I wasn't sure where I was. I spat out half a tooth - where'd THAT come from? It was like I was imprisoned, those trees being bars, I couldn't move. I lost track of time.
If you ever wondered what rock-bottom-brink-of-insanity looks like, there it was.
I made some calls, left messages, unanswered for the most part, though starting to trickle in.
I'm going to be some time in hospital, under self-commitment, so I'll have plenty of time to blog, but I won't be doing it. I'm having trouble making the necessary actions, which is why I'm writing this, rather than doing what I should be doing. We "tough guys" have trouble letting go.
I'll be back and I'll undoubtedly show up in comments on other blogs.
Fisher's Big Wheel
1 week ago