"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."








Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Elephant in the Room

This blog's been all over the place lately, because I'm trying to decide where it should go.

Choice 1: Make it strictly a running blog. There won't be much to say about my own running, as it's rapidly becoming non-existent, so it'd end up being more of an "ask the guy pretending to be a coach" blog.

Choice 2: Continue being random and try to be entertaining. This gets old fast.

Choice 3: Come clean and make this a personal blog. This is a very indulgent, very dark ride. Things are bad in my world right now. How much crap can anyone stand?!

Grudging concessions to reality

I felt I was pulling out of the nosedive of depression. I suddenly had more energy than before, started eating, started running (like someone was shooting at me), started functioning - getting bills paid, repairing the house, etc.

Then I stopped sleeping. I stopped being able to concentrate or make decisions, which has been reflected in my writing of late. I've been continuously anxious, unable to sit still and irritable.

That's just another side of depression.

I've been fighting this battle forever. I'm tired and I'm losing. This is going to get ugly.

You may not want to watch this.

16 comments:

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Hey, remember when you had the swine flu and nearly died but didn't tell anyone you nearly died till after you'd recovered?

I don't have to be told by you or anyone else when someone with depression needs help. You should seek out a mental health professional RIGHT AWAY - I mean today - and avail yourself of their services. Really, Steve - this post is disturbing. For some reason, extraordinarily intelligent people - such as you - seem always to be afflicted with troubled minds; it's as though that's the cross to bear they're given for their "gift" of intelligence. Please be intelligent enough today to know you need help.

There is no shame in that.

My Dad is schizophrenic and what allowed him to live a "normal" life was all the help he got, from family, from doctors, from the meds he takes.

I look forward to being able to enjoy your intelligence as displayed on this blog. To put it in bluntly selfish terms: please don't take that away from me. Get yourself well.

Get some help, Steve. I'm saying that as a friend who is worried about you.

SteveQ said...

G: I'm meeting up with a therapist at 7:00 tonight. We'll see where it goes from there. I don't expect much.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Glaven. I think a little help will help. Thought = you get out what you put into it??

Coice #1 and I could use some help in improving my running and I think you are the person to do it. I said hi twice at at the trailmix and asked if you would run my last lap. I wish you would've, I puked 2 miles into the 4th lap. Bad fueling plan.
Good luck

sea legs girl said...

I don't think any of us are really worried about what direction your blog will go in. If you keep writing about what interests you and inspires you, we'll keep reading. And new readers will follow, too. It wouldn't be the first time people followed the writings of a good author regardless of what the subject was. I just hope you get better. And I am glad Glaven was so straight-forward with you. But also (and I really believe this), don't give up on running. It is more healing for depression than any medication or therapy I know of, though I am no expert.

Chris Swenke said...

Thank you Glaven for saying what most of us have been thinking and may not have had the balls (sorry ladies) to say.

I also agree with Sea Leg Girls on not giving up running. Give up the competition aspect and join the middle of the pack with us normal speed runners - we have a good time back there.

Also I would love to see a continued coaching aspect to the site. Your wisdom helps us all out.


Chris

Ross said...

Depression is a dark, painful, and serious problem. At its heart though, it is a problem of chemistry. I would think that is a problem that is right in your wheelhouse.

Use your inquisitive nature and your scientific training, as you have before with your running, and apply it to your depression.

Do not, however, go it alone. Seek help, be patient, and learn what works for you.

PiccolaPineCone said...

I don't know as well as the other people who regularly comment (though I have been reading your blog for a long time as a lurker). I know there is no easy answer for depression but I thought you wrote a brilliant post awhile back (within the past month) on concrete things one can do to manage depression. Keep that post in mind - it was really wonderful.
I hope your meeting tonight is helpful and if not, keep searching until you find the right fit.
I think you should do with your blog whatever works best for you - SLG is right, the readers will follow.

RBR said...

I also agree 100% with G. This is a no-fucking-around emotional emergency.

I am very glad to hear you are talking to someone tonight. Mental health professionals saved my life. I would not be here today without their help.

I continue to seek help when I need it. The most important tool I learned is when to say 'when' and get help.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending you a bug virtual hug. I know that sounds trite and patronizing (gee, this thesaurus IS coming in handy :) ) but it is meant with true affection.

Take care of you.

p.s. One more bit of unsolicited advice: I have had to therapist/shrink shop before. Find one that is a fit for you. Just because one does not work does not mean the profession as a whole can not help you. *smooches*

Andrew said...

There are areas of your life, important ones at that, where you are incredibly grounded. Focus on those areas right now, draw your strength from there.

While I understand you are tired of the battle, your good times are well chronicled. Review them.

Thanks for the honesty.

Diana said...

No shame in seeking help. We all need to do that at some point in time. I am forever grateful for a therapist's work from years ago. We always think we can take care of ourselves, however, we don't really see what's going on. We think we do.
I'm in complete agreement with all who have commented here.
My son has high functioning asperger's syndrome and there are days where I have no idea where his mind is.......it's hard to be too smart for ones self.
Looking forward to hearing how things turn out and in the meantime-thoughts and prayers being sent over your way.

wildknits said...

Ditto... no need to repeat what has been said so well by the others.

Refer back to that post re: dealing with depression - have used it at work.

Glad you are seeing someone tonight - keep at it!

Had a blast on Saturday, most fun I have had running fast (for me).

Neil Z said...

Feel free to depend on someone, as there seems to be a lot of people depending on you! Take care!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

So, uh ... how'd it go?

Drs. Cynthia and David said...

I say run how you feel for health and happiness and don't sweat race plans if you're not really motivated to race. Getting caught up in competition/ training isn't necessary, and as you've pointed out, can kill the fun. You could also try different sports to see if you enjoy them if you need a break from running. Obviously you are missing something that you get from running, and need a replacement.

And write about whatever you please. I'm new to your blog, but have always enjoyed your posts, even the quirky ones.

Take care,
Cynthia

Meghan said...

There are many, many people around you who have been in the dark depths of depression. And many of them are back, having figured out what works for them. Don't, don't, don't give up hope and work towards that!

Thinking of you!
Meghan

nwgdc said...

We're all with you hoping to hear you've strung a couple good days together!