"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."








Thursday, May 28, 2009

Who is it okay to like, anyway?

Yes, I'm posting a lot. It won't last.

Ten years ago, Lori announced that she and her sister Sarah had decided to hate Amy Grant. When I said there was nothing wrong with her, she said, "I hate that there's nothing wrong with Amy Grant." It was as close to an irrational statement as she ever made and I was proud. It also showed that, as similar as were the workings of our minds, there were some insuperable gulfs, which I always attributed to the whole male/female thing.

Recently, I've been hearing a lot about the old "Free Pass" game, now called "Sexception," where you get to pick some celebrity that it'd be okay for you to have sex with; your partner has to allow you this one exception. Lori and I had our own version of this: we had to agree to the other's choice; this was due to the fact that neither of us were likely to sleep with someone without an emotional commitment (somehow, I feel like, as a man, I should feel guilty about that).

She was a fan of the show "E.R." and I told her she couldn't like George Clooney, but she could like Noah Wyle. I couldn't explain my reasoning then, but I think my standard was "someone who, if I saw that they were together, I'd say, 'Good for her!' and who I think I could hang around with as a couple." There are three guys that fit the bill on the current show "CSI: New York" - Carmine Giovinazzo, Robert Joy and Hill Harper - and I know her response would be "too short, too old and too black." Actually, she'd find a way to say it that would sound reasonable, but this is my Lori to Standard English translation.

For my free pass, I first suggested Alicia Witt, who had just been in the Kubrick film "Eyes Wide Shut." My reasoning was that she'd gone to the right schools, she was a concert-level pianist and I'd met her parents, so I knew what she'd look like in 20 years. Lori said that she was too young and too pretty for me. [For the record, Lori was too young and too pretty for me. I think she really said no because of my track record with redheads.]

She suggested Joan Cusack. I don't know what I said at the time, but I'm still offended that she didn't understand me better. Perhaps she was playing games with me.

My next choice, given that we were both thinking of women with a sense of humor, was Lisa Kudrow. When I had the Myers-Briggs test and found out I was an INFP, I was given a list of famous INFPs and she and Julia Roberts were on it; I do well with other INFPs, though Julia Roberts would be a nightmare. Lisa Kudrow has a master's degree in medicinal chemistry, so unlike the characters she usually plays, I could talk shop with her. It seemed a good match.

Lori said no, but I don't remember why. She suggested Kristin Scott Thomas. I immediately said, "Sold!" as Lori had apparently forgotten her "too pretty" rule already. Somehow, in her deviousness, Lori had found a way for me to be stuck watching bad chick flicks in old English settings for the next decade. I can now recite the lines of "Four Weddings and a Funeral" by heart, something no man should be able to do.

Whenever a magazine would come out with their sexiest or hottest lists, the subject would come up again. I saw that Maxim (that sophisticated bastion of intellectualism) has its new list of 100 women. I saw #1 Olivia Wilde and said no. #2 Megan Fox: no. #3, #4... #5 Mila Kunis: hell no. I didn't get far before deciding the whole list was wrong by my standards. The problem was that I couldn't think of anyone current who I thought was acceptable.

Not one!

Okay, I'm getting used to the fact that I'm in a dry spell in my personal life, but does my fantasy life have to be just as bad? Who is there that's okay to like now, anyway?

13 comments:

Get Primal said...

Ann Coulter?

Matthew Patten said...

Michelle Bachman

Bill Pomerenke said...

Roseanne Barr?

Londell said...

How about a poll with a few names... Been a while since I saw a quick poll.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Oprah? Or Barbara Walters, if you're into GILFs. (Possibly G-GILFs.)

Or, yeah, as Get Primal suggests, Ann Coulter. But wear a "raincoat" because I think the crazy enters your body through your p*nis. (I'm pretty sure it did in "her" case.)

Joel said...

Have you tried female animated characters?

Helen said...

Surely the obvious choice would be... Michelle Obama

SteveQ said...

Oprah has $1000000000. My price is probably south of that.

Hmmm. Doing to Ann Coulter what she does to logic...

Somehow, I knew this post would bring out the comments. Keep trying!

SteveQ said...

Oh, and Matt... Michelle Bachman's the funniest answer yet, but I like Laura Brod, so local republicans aren't out of the question.

Jean said...

I had to look up Olivia Wilde and Megan Fox because I had never heard of them. I think I must be getting old! :)

Beth said...

Rachel Maddow? I have a girl crush on her... well, I'm straight and she isn't so I don't know what you would call it...

SteveQ said...

Lots of political figures. Beth, Rachel Maddow's an interesting choice; I once dated someone who worked for AirAmerica!

SteveQ said...

Oh, and Jean... at least you didn't look up Carmine Giovinazzo.