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Wednesday, January 8, 2020

The Dreaded Yearly Fashion Post 2020

I've always liked to see the fashions at the Golden Globes, rather than the Academy Awards, because it's less formal (no one gets $200000 in diamonds from Harry Winston, for example) and there are a lot of young newcomers in television each year, whereas film tends to be the same faces repeated for generations. People take some chances. It's Los Angeles in January - which sounds good in Minnesota in January.

I didn't get to watch this year. First, the Viking's playoff game went to overtime. Second, I was baking a cake for Epiphany the next day (I may have swallowed a plastic baby). Third, I had to watch some DVDs I'd already sold online before I sent them. I even got in a long run.

I'm already a day late [update: two days], so here's my impressions, dress by dress, without order and without crediting photographers or designers (sorry). As usual, you're going to wonder who some people are.

Lucy Boynton. I like bits and pieces of this, but it's too much. If the detail of the shoulders and elbows, the belt and collar had been a color - almost any color - this would be a winner. There was a lot of metallic again this year and you'll see a much better take on it below.
 Molly Sims. Without the ruffle at the bottom, this is a nothing dress; with it, it's not much better. The earrings (hard to see here) are nice.
 Annabelle Wallis. Standard black ball gown, but a better shape than usual and the jewelry makes nice accents.
 Bel Powley. Yikes. The less said, the better.
 Ana de Armas. I've become smitten with Ana (form "Knives Out") lately. She's had some interesting fashion choices and has one of the most photographable faces. The only problem with this is that the dress doesn't photograph well. The bright lipstick is necessary. The necklace is necessary. It all works and is just on the verge of failure. Oh, and it has pockets!
 Awkwafina. Quirky, which suits her.
 Cate Blanchett. Though the dress by itself looks like a mushroom cap and stem, it all pulls together with the daring "bra tiara" and accentuates her natural appearance, which is what a dress should do. I want to hate this, but can't; it's just too pretty.
 Charlize Theron. Swing and a miss. The green section of the dress is nothing by itself and there's no point to the undergarment - and the tacked-on train doesn't compensate.
 Elle Fanning. There was a lot of tulle on the red carpet this year. This is a nice color (it looks better in other photos) but does nothing for the wearer. It's a bridesmaid's dress.
 Greta Gerwig. We've seen versions of this before, black with a bold white top. The proportions are right, the design on the sides helps make it more than blocks of monochrome and its only the distractingly bad hairstyle that mars this.
 Gwyneth Paltrow. There's nothing good about this and it's even worse from the back. It's like it's raining dog vomit.
 Jane Levy. 1940's glamour and shades of red always seems to work with red hair. This looks a lot better from a distance, though.
 Jennifer Aniston. Blah.
 Jennifer Lopez. This dress is really divisive, but the hair isn't (1994 is asking for it back). My thinking is always the same: why add the giant bow, is it to hide some flaw? Remove it and you have a simple dress, perhaps too simple. A smaller dark green bow (first thought) wouldn't quite be right, but maybe a green design on the bottom hem would pull it together. In the end: it's... okay.
 Joey King. I actually love this, despite (and maybe because) of all the odd things it makes one think of: I see an oyster. I see labia. I see an inverted lily. The metallic details make all the organic things more interesting. The biggest problem with this is again photographic: one gets a moiré effect, which can be removed with a blurring filter, though that creates other problems.
 Julia Butters. Awwww, how cute is that?
 Kaitlyn Dever. It's a lovely pattern, but there's way too much of it. Remove the puffy sleeves (a trend this year that I'd like to see disappear) and add panels of a solid red or pink - or maybe just a wide belt.
 Kerry Washington. Trying to look sexy never looks sexy. It looks desperate.
 Kirsten Dunst. She always seems to favor colors that wash her out and simple, but frilly. The bottom half is terrific.
 Margot Robbie. California casual. Okay, but insufficient for the occasion.
 Naomi Watts. Uninteresting.
 Priyanka Chopra. The perfect color for her and the length pairs well with the off-the-shoulder detail. The little bit of asymmetry at waist and hip (recall how often I say that an asymmetric dress should be asymmetric all over) keeps it from being too simple. The train looks like a continuation of the waist, as if it's a long wrap, but it's not. I'd lighten the lipstick and add a colored stone to the necklace.
 Reese Witherspoon. Vanilla in a sugar cone.
 Renee Zellweger. I really like this color. The fact that the line from the thigh slit continues through the dress makes this very simple, very elegant dress.
 Saoirse Ronan. Nope. There's a nice side-boob photo of her in this dress somewhere.
 Scarlett Johansen. A nice dress ruined by the feeling that it's all piled up and bunched behind her.
 Shailene Woodley. That piece connecting the bust to the neck draws all one's attention, but it's nothing to look at. Yet, without it, the dress is too simple. All the parts fight each other.
 Sienna Miller. Total misfire.
 Sofia Carson. Tons of tulle below, with a contrasting texture above, this is a nice combination.
 Taylor Swift. The bare midriff doesn't work with the scale of the dress. I like the floral print and the size of the design - from the waist down, this is alright.
 Thomasin Mackenzie. More tulle! The way it separates at the bottom reminds me of car wash rollers and the top of chimney sweeping tools (her arms are pressing down the fringe at the top, which is wrong in a couple of ways).
 Zoe Kravitz. Taking a page from Janelle Monae's constant black and white, this just doesn't seem formal enough for the occasion. Like Sienna's and Margot's, this is an after-party dress.
 Zoey Deutch. 1970's futuristic vampire.
 Nicole Kidman. Compare to Scarlett's. The train is the right size and length and even with a thigh-high slit and strapless (usually too much to do together), doesn't look trashy. This would look interesting with maybe a black matador jacket.
 Helen Mirren. There's really nothing wrong with this at all, except being unmemorable.

 Jodie Comer. Oof. Usually spectacularly dressed on "Killing Eve," this looks like the daughter of Twiggy and David Bowie playing dress-up.
 Leslie Bibb. Um, okay, I guess. Certainly not great, though.
 Rachel Bilson. She needs a new hairstylist. I - again - like the pattern and hate the shoulders.
 Rooney Mara. We laughed at Princess Leia's hair in 1977 and anything went in 1977. This needed color to not look funereal.
 Sarah Snook. Over-sized ball gown was a bit too much for the room, but she wore it to the after-parties as well, so she owned it.
 Toni Collette. Again, I like the print and hate the flouncy shoulders.
 Zanna Roberts Rassi. Neither a nominee or presenter, but "style maven," this is how you do asymmetric dresses. The only thing wrong here is that her hair blends into the dress. Pull her hair back and maybe add a choker.

So - all of this was done in two minute intervals over the space of two days; if any of it make sense, I'd be surprised, but no more surprised than any of my friends are when they hear I care about fashion.

Yeah, this guy. Fashion. Go figure.

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