The Dreaded Yearly Fashion Post 2018

Or, "Steve man-splains how to wear a black dress."

If you watched the Golden Globes last night, you only saw one woman who didn't wear black; the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press wore a lovely red dress, as she had it before everyone decided on black, it's a cultural thing and her mother wouldn't like it - plus, I say, it's her party and she can wear what she wants. There were others, but the cameras carefully avoided them and, interestingly, though alcohol was served, I didn't see a single shot of anyone drinking.

Model/actress Barbara Meier

Man we needed Ricky Gervais this year instead of Seth Meyers.

I like covering the Golden Globes because, with television included, the nominees skew younger and the younger attendees take more fashion risks. Unfortunately, all we got this year was Millie Bobby Brown in a custom gown, looking far too grown up and serious, despite the blue shoes.

The challenge with black is to not look funereal or wear a little black cocktail dress you could wear anywhere. Black should be textured, preferably with more than one type of fabric for contrast and will accentuate skin tones (it's ideal for young women with creamy skin and black or red hair, the "Irish" look), make-up and hair, so everything else has to be done perfectly. On top of this, the awards show is formal, but also a dinner party atmosphere, so the proper balance is tricky. You don't want to look like Robert Palmer's video "Addicted to Love."

Zoe Kravitz. This is too simple.

Can you add colored gems? Can you have white or silver or gold detail? Yes, if you do it correctly. The dress should: flatter the wearer, be harmonious and have each piece have a purpose. There was enough black velvet there to make a million Elvis paintings and a ton of platinum and emerald.

Here, in random order are some dresses and what I thought:

 Margot Robbie's custom dress was an excellent choice, with 3-dimensional floral work and her hair and make up were perfect (her eyebrows especially - in close-ups, I kept looking at them, which usually only happens when something's gone terribly wrong). The only flaw to this is that the plunging neckline requires a focal point, so a necklace would have been ideal.

Close up, you can see how the brows were filled in.

Jessica Biel probably was best-dressed, though this photo doesn't do the dress justice. I want to know what shade lipstick she wore, something I've never wondered before in my life, but it was exactly right.

 Claire Foy wore a suit. This was not a job interview, nor is this 1930's Berlin.

Tracee Ellis Ross wore a hat, which was a terrific idea and one I wish others had considered (and the texture is matched in the shoulder!) Hair adornments would've been great statement pieces.

Ugh. One of the not-to-be-named family looks like she's flashing the camera, perhaps foreshadowing her next career.

Though a bit severe and Middle Ages, I love the neckline of Natalie Portman's dress. Without the plunge, it wouldn't work; with it but without the square corners, it also wouldn't work.

Sarah Jessica Parker has a little too many textures going on here.

Catherine Zeta-Jones, though a tad nightgownish and perhaps a bit young for her, carried off this couture dress with aplomb.

Alicia Vikander prepares to play chess with the devil in a hearse in 1880.

Emma Stone's one-shoulder wasn't quite enough (I do like the shoes). Compare to Naomi Campbell below.

Penelope Cruz always wears black well, but this looks like two dresses, neither of which is right.

Sharon Stone HAS to be choosing dresses intentionally to make worst-dressed lists. I hate this. The cut-outs are unflattering and busy, as well as age-inappropriate...

...and remind me of Sybil Danning 30 years ago in a werewolf movie:

Alexis Bledel looks like she hasn't aged since "Gilmore Girls." The black leaf embellishment manages to have both clean lines and a sense of whimsy. It's the type of outfit I watch the Golden Globes for - it's way too informal for the Oscars.

It's hard to see here, but Issa Rae's necklace was a perfect adornment for her plunging neckline and the ring has a matching emerald (which seemed to big for her hand). The cape train is wasted material, as are the "poofs" on her shoulders.

Naomi Campbell looked great. I have no idea why she was there, though. Here's a case of the asymmetric one shoulder being carried in the asymmetry of the bands across her midsection.

Shailene Woodley as futuristic schoolmarm.

Rachel Brosnahan tries Greek goddess, but it doesn't come together. And someone needs to teach her how to walk and stand.

 I said black works for fair complexions and red hair, so it's no surprise it works for Christina Hendricks.

Michelle Pfeiffer's top made a good contrast with the bottom (only the lighting here makes it look blue), but the cut isn't fitted as well as it should be - compare Gal Gadot below.

Nicole Kidman's dress was stunning from the back, but not the front, where it looked like she layered a ragged sack over the top.

That is spectacular. Just keep facing the other way, Nicole.

I liked Diane Kruger's dress a lot, having some of the same fabric notes as Jessica Biel's dress, but the clutch shouldn't be the focal point and the more I look at it, the less I see.

Dakota Fanning had a party-in-the-back dress that was a nice balance and suited her well.

 Kate Hudson in Valentino couture looked terrific...

 ...if you hadn't seen the dress on a tall model, when you see that the dress shouldn't drag on the ground (and the underwear shouldn't be the focus).

 Alison Brie managed both an Audrey Hepburn look and a princess ballgown. Lovely.

Jessica Chastain shows her colors to great effect.

 Saoirse Ronan's look was too severe and she looked washed out. Though I like her as a blonde, I would've dyed her hair (reddish as in "Lady Bird") for this.

 Kelly Clarkson wore a falconry gauntlet, apparently. This makes no sense.

Gal Gadot in a custom fitted tuxedo top that, with the textured dress, manages to be elegant, yet comfortable (for an awards show dress).

Okay, now another year to restake my manhood.