2016 Dreaded Yearly Fashion Report

This late after the event, most of the possible commentary's been done, but I still have a few thoughts about the Golden Globes red carpet.

First, the best moment of the night was when Amy Schumer was asked about her boyfriend/date and said (I'm paraphrasing): "I also wrote a movie I'm pretty proud of, but it seems the bigger story is that I found a man willing to sleep with me."

Amy wins the night [her dress was... okay].

The Pantone color of the year is a green between forest and kelly, but only one person tried it. Jaimie Alexander, who is covered in tattoos in her TV role, apparently wanted to show as much uninked skin as possible. The plunging neckline was a common trend of the night. Even though she was en pointe as far as that goes, the dress did little for her. The pockets are handy, though.

The woman who usually goes for the plunge - and gets comments from me about visible nipple guards, underwires, adhesive and tape - Jennifer Lopez, did not, and finally gets my vote as best-dressed. Mustard is a tough color to wear (this was a bit yellow chartreuse to goldenrod, which helps), but it did not make her look sallow. The cape, which has been a disaster since Gwyneth Paltrow a couple years ago, makes a triumphant return. The necklaces, which looks like a clasp for the cape are a perfect compliment and the matching bracelet and handbag aren't too much. The only flaw is that, as a presenter, the train was too long to be truly functional.

Kate Hudson has completed morphing into her mother in the 1960's. The "tube" bra top does not look good on anyone and the color just washes her out. The champagne to pink champagne color was everywhere that night.

A number of people liked Kirsten Dunst's dress. It's not terrible - the length is right, the simple black is an okay, if boring, choice, etc. It just isn't anything special - on a night of plunging necklines, she simply had the most noticeable assets.

Rooney Mara's dress is one of those that looks good only in very specific lighting circumstances. Most of the night, she looked pale even for an Irish lass. The texturing of the dress comes off as messy; doesn't it look like a bra strap fell to her elbow?

I've never seen "Shameless," but after two "whoa- who is that?" moments, I may have enough of a crush on her to watch her show. The dress is overly simple, but it looks good on her. And the lipstick is exactly right.

My worst dressed goes to Katy Perry and not just for the Elvira Misstress of the Dark hairstyle (and, if she dyed the dress black, she could be a horror hostess), but because I saw her adjusting the dress twice. When you have large breasts, low necklines require some serious structural foundation. That's why I rhapsodized over Siriano's 2010 orange dress for Christina Hendricks.

Remember?

Olivia Palermo has her own fashion line and a show no one's seen, "The City." This dress tries. It really tries. It just belongs on channel 253.

Jessica Oyelowo was another "who is THAT?" contender. She was there for her husband's work, but really, no one can tell you what David was wearing even though it was purple check. She's stunning.

Alicia Vikander can do no wrong this year, in most opinions, whether in acting or fashion. The knife-sharp pleats on this were great, but I hated the crossed back straps and, from the front it looked to me like poorly hung curtains.

You know I was searching for new redheads and found Sarah Hay. I've never heard of her or "Flesh and Bone," but she got my attention. The gown - Marquesa - has too much tulle and is the wrong color for her. Anything dark against that skin would've been showstopping.

Amber Heard. Why others like this, I don't know. Her lipstick matches the neckline of the dress. That's all.

Brie Larson in Calvin Klein was one of the most talked about. The metallic champagne trend of past years has I hoped reached its conclusion. The dress looks fresh and young, like its wearer, and it drapes well. The parallel curve of the hip cutout and top of the bra is a nice detail, as is the unusual neckace-like neck.

I'm including Bryce Dallas Howard simply because she bought her dress out of a catalog. Granted, it's the Neiman-Marcus catalog and it's a Jenny Packham dress (marked down to $660 when I looked, undoubtedly sold out by now).

Caitriona Balfe ("Outlander") is another complete unknown to me, but I know an Alexander McQueen dress when I see one [hate that the best photo has that huge lettering]. The feathery sleeves look like too much at first, but they're necessary; without them, the dress is a bottom-heavy sheath. It seems you can wear a mermaid gown and a ball gown at the same time - just wear one under the other! Consider her the thinking-man's best-dressed.

Gina Rodriguez. Too formal for the occasion, too long (note how beautifully fitted it is from waist up and how baggy below).

I don't like Eva Longoria, but I'm going to defend the dress others have derided. The bow-tie neckline is an under-seen and appreciated touch (it looks like she's wearing a bolo tie!) and the matching belt is a good idea, if riding too low [perhaps a wider belt is needed, if she's naturally short-waisted]. She was trying to emphasize her Texican heritage and the details, including the embossing, were a nod to that. The print on her hip is required - the dress is too simple without it - it's just a little too distracting. A more delicate print, a little smaller, would've worked.

Jennifer Lawrence got generally rave reviews (though I don't think she should've won an award...) She finally wore a dress she could walk in. The necklace looks like part of the dress. Her hair accentuates the clean lines. The cut-outs! The cut-outs actually DO something other than show skin and look like holes. The cut-outs make the waist look tapered and draw attention to the draping of the top. Dior designed a true winner of a dress.

I liked Kate Bosworth's dress; many didn't. I still say you shouldn't wear designs that look like they sit on your nipples [wow am I talking a lot about boobs whenever I do these posts], but this doesn't seem too overly busy, the color is a good choice and it's a flattering silhouette.

Lady Gaga tried for 1950's movie star glam. She should've stopped before the bullet bra, though. The padded (I hope) hips don't really help.

Don't try to impersonate Anita Ekberg unless you have a fountain handy.

Corinne Foxx continued the streak of very pretty teenage "Miss Golden Globes" of recent years, but looked much more mature than the others; her dress did not look like a prom dress! Is it just me, or does she look eerily like a Disney princess?

As for the usual suspects (cough, cough, Maggie Gyllenhaal) and those who've earned the right to dress as they wish (Jane Fonda), I'll leave the catty comments to others. There was a rainbow of colors for once, though mostly monochromatic - darn it, Palermo's dress is growing on me - and the gold metallic dress, little black dress on steroids and dull white dresses have not stopped. There's little to say about shoes, as floor-sweeping dresses were everywhere. Jewelry and handbags were mostly not attention-grabbing, so were correct.