"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."

Monday, February 25, 2013

2013 Dreaded Yearly Fashion Post Redux

I did a fashion post after the Golden Globes, but accidentally deleted parts of it, so I forced myself to watch the dreadful red carpet pre-Oscars show this year. In a nutshell: sequins, brocade, messy up-dos, black and white or monochrome, architectural.

 I've always said that Anne Hathaway could wear anything and look great, but she proved me wrong. The nipples showing through the darting, the taped-up too-low back with backward necklace and awkward slit... there's no end to how awful this dress was. It's 1960's Frederick's of Hollywood expensive call-girl.

Answering "Which way do they point?"
She could've gone sluttier. Heidi Klum did, as did Brandi Glanville (who I had to look up; I still don't know why she was at the Oscars):
At least 20 years too old for this
Doesn't help that she designed this herself. She should be suing her plastic surgeon, too.
Jennifer Lawrence is charming and wore a great dress, the rose blush of which was only visible in certain lights. She needs to learn how to walk in gowns though, if she's going to keep getting awards. The dress went well with her complexion, as well. As long as I've had three boob photos already, notice the one flaw of this dress - that it points out her uneven breasts, as the dress rides higher on her left. The fold under her breasts also is problematic.
Lawrence's dress was originally on the couture runway, designed for a much taller, thinner woman. They rehemmed it, trimming as much as possible without significantly altering the shape - still, it was long enough she tripped in it. Here's how it's supposed to look:

Joining Lawrence in ball gowns was Amy Adams. Right dress, wrong wearer.

Jessica Chastain, who is stunning in everyday clothes, just can't play dress-up. Redheads have to be careful in colors from yellow through orange and red; sometimes they're perfect, but usually they miss the mark. This copper dress almost works; she got the hair right (a bit Veronica Lake), but the lipstick was 2011's shade.
The structure is perfect (dress ain't bad, either)

Getting it right at the BAFTAs
At the SAG awards. "Why yes, I have seen Roger Rabbit."

Art Deco-inspired architectural dresses were also in. My choice for best-dressed was Stacy Keibler.

Photo doesn't do it justice. Nice that she brought her dad, too (smirk).

 Showing how not to do the same look was Halle Berry.
Shoulder-pads and FUPA
Amazing photo of a dress I overlooked (Seyfried's hair a bit severe)

Charlize Theron's crisp, clean, pulled-together, but lacking and stiff.

Aniston: bonus points for color, but too casual.
How it's supposed to look:

Naomi Watts. Fashionistas are drooling over this, but the asymmetry of the shoulder needs to carry over to the rest of the dress.

Kidman: burnt caramel on melted vinyl.

Olivia Munn: best brocade and use of color.
How it's supposed to look:

Zoe Saldana. I keep going back-and-forth on this. Hey, where'd that 3rd leg come from?!

Jennifer Garner. Too-simple dress with tacked-on ruffle. Best jewelry, worst make-up.
Zellweger in mermaid dress. Someone had to do it, I guess.

All together now: put your hand on your hip and do a 3/4 over-the-shoulder pose.


Xenia said...

I've been looking forward to this post. I didn't watch the Oscars (obviously) but I love the post-Oscars judgement frenzy on the interwebs. Your couture commentary is always insightful.

Alene Gone Bad said...

I was laughing and doing just fine until the end, until you challenged me to the body cortortion pose. Don't forget, your audience consists of some runners...old ones, and we are stiff. Ouch. :-) Enjoyed your commentary.

sea legs girl said...

What are your thoughts on this one?


Think it's my favorite. I would at least enjoy wearing it.

SteveQ said...

@SLG: Though I like couture, the afterparty was not the place for Collins to wear it. Here she is in a better version of the dress: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8wj0pcPl7Is/T006VrbxgqI/AAAAAAAAFQM/WMKkL6coj60/s1600/Lily+Collins+in+Monique+Lhuillier+Prefall+2012+-+vanity+fair+oscar+party.jpg

Jean said...

I always love this post. You ought to be on the red carpet offering live commentary!

pensive pumpkin said...

I liked Halle's dress, but only because it reminds me of an old prom dress in my closet. That I bought because it reminded me of that woman commander of Ming the Merciless's army in Flash Gordon. Because I, dear one, am all nerd.

LOVED your post on my blog. Was actually looking forward to your thoughts on the subject as I wrote the post, as your're the only male blogger I know with the balls to tackle it. I asked you this in my reply comment, but I never go back and read those so I doubt you do either- have you ever read Survival of the Prettiest? I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the book. Or pretty much anything else. Your thoughts are always welcome.

And you know more about fashion than I do.

Thanks, as always.

SteveQ said...

@PP: I was stunned to see a commenter on your blog referenced my running 20 miles on 100 calories (someone READ that post!) I haven't read "Survival," but a short perusal of reviews shows me it's where my thoughts were 20 years ago.

Fashion's easy. Once you get past covering the necessary bits and being functional, it just has to flatter the wearer. Looking at something, you immediately know whether or not you like it; expertise is simply knowing why you like it. You're almost there!

Diana said...

Thanks for the couture breakdown. Only for you will i type a response on my phone's tiny keyboard, ugh. Loved Jennifer Lawrence's dress, and I didn't notice her uneven boobs. Oy, Anne Hathaway made me cringe this time around. She's usually so put together.
Anther awards' season is over. What will you do with your Sunday nights until then?

SteveQ said...

As people keep finding this post, I have to add that Halle Berry was pregnant when that picture was taken - and apparently even she didn't know at the time!