In decades of dating, I've learned three things: 1) It's apparently never too hot for patio seating. 2.) If you're offered a breath mint, take it. 3) "Must have sense of humor" means must share my sense of humor.
I've taken an interest in a woman who has a lot of things going for her; out of my league, undoubtedly, but still of interest. One of the things I've discovered about her online is a bunch of things she thinks are funny.
Like posters of grumpy-looking kittens complaining about napping and food.
Oh dear. That's going to be a problem, given my bizarre and often dark sense of humor. I just unearthed parts of some old stuff I had from my short-lived stand-up comedy days. Here's a bit that apparently only I thought was funny:
Perky breasts are over-rated. When other guys are talking melons, I'm thinking... bananas. I think the vertical lines of stretch marks are slimming. I hate when nipples point at me accusingly; I much prefer when they demurely look at the ground. During a hug, I don't want to be thinking "tennis balls," I want to be thinking "sandwich bags half-filled with clam chowder."* If a woman lies down and her breasts slide into her armpits, I think of it as streamlining... and if she can toss them over her shoulders, she's the envy of women everywhere. And women with saggy breasts are much better dancers - they have a built-in metronome! [Visual demonstration joke]
* A version of this joke was used in an episode of "30 Rock" long after I used it.
I'll get back to writing about running soon. I'm actually doing pretty well for a change.
Wait weight, don't kill me
1 day ago