"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."

Friday, April 8, 2011

The other proposal story

The last post proved popular enough that I guess I have to tell the other story. It's hard to know where to begin, as some readers of this blog are already familiar with some of the more salient points, but others are starting from scratch. It might help to picture the scene if you know that Stacy was 5'3" and an anorectic 85 pounds (160cm, 38.5 kg), had metallic-pink coppery hair (in the popular at that moment Dorothy Hamill bob), emerald green eyes and the almost albino white skin that tends to go with that. She was also so obviously insane that I had only introduced her to a couple of my friends and none of my family.

This is not a good start. I did once post the unbelievable "meet cute" story. It's here, starting at "She was naked when I met her." [That should get that link some hits...]
Spring, 1981
I remember thinking, "I think I have to marry that girl." I don't know what convinced me, but it just seemed the thing to do. I had bought a ring, which I had to have resized because a "3 1/2" isn't a normal number, unless you're a toddler. Then I tried to think of extravagant, romantic ways to ask her, as she was the type who loved a grand gesture, but nothing seemed right, so I decided to just ask very simply instead, sure she'd find some way to make the moment memorable.

I was in her (our?) apartment and, when she had finally wound down from her usual antics and stopped talking long enough for me to get a word in edgewise, I started, "Stacy..." and that's all I got out before she said:

"I know what you're planning. And I'll say 'yes' to your question, but there's something you need to do for me first. Lucky's been scooting on the carpet again and he needs to have his anal glands expressed..."

-I'll take him to the vet tomorrow.

"It doesn't take a vet and he needs relief now. I'd do it myself, but it's disgusting."

-You're just trying to make this as unromantic as possible, aren't you?

[Mischievous grin.]

-Do you at least have a pair of gloves?

"First thing I did when I got off the plane was buy gloves. I don't know how you live here..."

-Plastic gloves, you nutjob.

"Oh so now it comes out. You think I'm crazy. Don't you!"

-Well... yeah. But it's a crazy world and I'm crazy about you and..."

"Stop. I have some plastic gloves."

-Where are they?

"I filled them with water and put them in the freezer."

[Perplexed, nonplussed look.]

"Art project."

-Okay. Let's just do this. You'll have to hold him down and..."

She ran into me full speed, knocking me to the ground, ending up sitting on top of me while I was lying on the floor. "You were going to DO it! You DO love me!!!"

-Get off of me; I want to do this right. I want to get on one knee...

"You're flexible. You could bend that (pointing to my right) leg under you. Here, just fold...

[Several moves that are nearly impossible and painful ensued]

-I'm trying to propose to you! Get off of me or at least let me get the ring out of my pocket.

[She digs around in my pocket and pulls out the box, then hands it to me.]



-Will you marry me?

"Not with that ring. It's ugly. Take it back."

-I'm not sure I can, I had to have it resized.

"You bought it at _____'s? Not a problem. Ari went to art school with my mother. He'll do whatever I want. I've got a ring here for you to use. [Searches.] Here. The stone's not the size of a doorknob, but it'll do. Ask me again."

I got down on one knee (which hurt a lot from having been bent sideways a few sentences back), held out her ring and asked her to marry me.

"I'll think about it. What's in it for me?"

- C'mon. Who else is going to stick their fingers in your dog's butt just because you asked.

"Well, alright, you sweet-talker, you."

[I'll leave out the story of how that relationship ended. It wasn't pretty.]


Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...


Your girlfriend's dog was into anal?

You nearly had the best of all possible worlds there, Candide.

In other news ... last year, seemingly EVERYBODY on the Phillies was hurt. They ended up winning the most games in the majors. Which was nice. Then got knocked out of the playoffs by the Giants because the guys who got hurt came back too soon and couldn't hit. (That is the Readers' Digest version. Which is to say the simple-minded version. Which is to say the (most likely) incorrect version.)

Point is, the Twins might surprise you.

Could be worse. Look at the Red Sox. Everyone was saying they were going to the WS this year.

Current record?


Keith said...

Holy crap! Can't escape the phillies anywhere. It'll be the Spanish inquisition next.

Deb said...

A colleague once told me this insanely convoluted story about her dog and its "anal sacs". I was certain she was saying "anal sex". Ewww...

Also, man up. An 85 -pound woman with fingers the diameter of toothpicks should NOT be able to knock you down!

You know that Ms. Right is out there, yes? Well, she is. Don't despair. :)

joyRuN said...


A proposal story involving anal glands?

You had to have known it wouldn't end ideally.

SteveQ said...

@Keith: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our main weapon is surprise and ruthlessness... Our TWO main weapons are surprise, ruthlessness and a fanatical devotion... Our THREE...

sea legs girl said...

Wow. Quite a story. Gotta wonder looking back if she is the kind of person who would have made you happy! Or vice versa. She doesn't seem like the kind of person who would be made happy easily. Cute that you remembered her ring size and just FYI, it is not TOO unusual, as in my first marriage I had to find a special store that sold rings in 3 ½ for my own finger. I just always thought it made me a better piano player.

I noticed that you didn't have too many people commenting on your last post who had marriages that have survived! If one is still married, it is really important to tell the story right.

I will simply say that Rasmus and I have known we'd spend our lives together since March 13th 2007. But at the end of June he actually proposed in Ames, Iowa with a key chain that said March 13th. I was on my way to move to Oklahoma (no idea how we ever thought we could live apart). 9 days later he drove to Oklahoma from Wisconsin in the middle of the night and brought me back to La Crosse, WI.

SteveQ said...

@SLG: re-reading what I wrote in the post, the emotional tone seems all wrong. Maybe you had to be there...