"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."

Saturday, December 4, 2010

{Winter, Running, Minnesota, Me}U{fun}=0

How's that for bad math? That title should be intersection, not union, for the joke to work. And then it's not funny, anyway.

LONG Digression: Speaking of not being funny, it's time to retire one of my favorite comedy ideas. Everyone who writes humor has something they love writing that no one else finds funny. For example, I know a guy who has a stand-up routine that includes a ventriloquist whose dummy's in a coma; it just lays on his lap while he says things like, "We're all pulling for you." When he first did it for me, I laughed until I wept - because it was so BAD -  and I told him so, but he's still doing it.

Every year, I write a parody of Oprah's Favorite Things. I never sell it to anyone; they all say, "No one makes a living making fun of Oprah." It all started when she had a give-away called "Oprah's Big Give," and I wrote a joke about her boyfriend Steadman being asked what he thought of Oprah's Big Give and his saying, "It's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway." Everyone laughed, no one was willing to use it.

So, every year I write some version of the same routine. She says things like, "I saw a girl with a tattoo of my face and I loved it! So you're all getting one!!! (lock the doors) and because another one of my favorite things is AIDS tests, we're only using one needle!" My favorite version of the routine has her describing each and every thing she likes the same way: "And it's made of chocolate!! And it vibrates!!!"

Makes me laugh every time. Oprah's retiring her show and now I get to move on as well.
Winter running conundrum

I've been running in bad weather for 35 years. I still haven't become accustomed to it.

I get asked why I don't just buy a treadmill, like so many others end up doing here. Well, given what I'd want it to be able to do, it'd work out to about $10 per hour it'd get used. Plus, I have furniture I've been planning on moving for 5 years and haven't because it takes two people and no one's ever been willing to help, so I'd never get the thing inside and set up, even if I had the space.

What about running indoors? First, indoor tracks just aren't handy - not close to home, not useful size, not kept free of obstacles. There's two places within 5 miles of home where I could run on someone else's treadmill, but the list of things wrong with them is endless.

So, it's "suck it up and run outdoors." Everyone else I know who runs outdoors here seems better equipped to do it - not meaning clothing (though that's apt as well), but physically better suited. I have no body fat insulation, nor heat-generating muscle mass. As anyone who's seen me run trails knows, I have no ability to run on slick or uneven surfaces.

It's cold, it's snowy and it's windy and it's going to be like this until mid-March.

Whining over, for now. I'll get used to it by February.


wildknits said...

Whining is okay - but only once and awhile. The weather here is a challenge for a good chunk of the year and complaining about it - occasionally - is the only way to get by ;->

Mike said...

Glad you get over it by February, I don't but I usually do by April. I agree with Lisa, whining occasionally about the weather up here is a needed release.

Keith said...

Personally, just tween you and me, I think the people that run indoors during the winter are weenies. No such thing as bad weather, just poor clothing choices. Oh, I admit when it gets down to -40 I start thinking twice about outdoor running, but will likely still go. And guess if you've got serious speedwork on the plan in the winter, doing it outdoors here is a bit of a challenge. Still there's still that faint taint of weenie...

Gretchen said...

Sorry about Oprah's retirement. I think maybe that opens the door for you a bit though, no?

I've always found a tempo run to be a good workout for generating a lot of heat in cold temps and ending quickly. Also, only complain about cold to people who live in warmer climates. Don't complain to Canadians.

Xenia said...

Heh, Keith said taint.

I've been bitching incessantly over here and it's only been in the 20s though the feels-like temps have often been in the teens. England has totally weakened me. Stupid island.

SteveQ said...

Keith's Canadian, but he just posted about a spin class, swimming laps... all INDOOR things. (wuss)