"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."

Monday, April 12, 2010

Cavewoman Cavalcade

As further evidence I'll never date again, here's a Top Ten list of my favorite cavewoman movies. There's a lot of overlap with sword and sorcery epics, post-apocalyptic people living underground movies and amazon jungle girl films, so I'm adding a list of all films given consideration.

Wild Women of Wongo (1958)

One of those so-bad-it's-good films, this has an island of beautiful women and ugly men and an island of handsome men and ugly women. The star is Adrienne Bourbeau, not to be mistaken with Adrienne Barbeau, who came closest to cavewomanhood in "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death" (1988).

Prehistoric Women (1967)

There's also a Prehistoric Women (1950), a dull turgid film whose main interest is wondering how Laurette Luez manages not to smear her lipstick. This film stars Martine Beswick, who was also in the better known "One Million Years B.C." getting upstaged by Raquel Welch.

Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968)

This obscurity is not to be confused with "Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet," which uses the same stock footage and was also made by Roger Corman a couple of years earlier. This one has Mamie Van Doren, reason enough to watch. There's also "Women of the Prehistoric Planet" (1966), which has no prehistoric women in it.

One Million Years AC/DC (ca. 1970)

First there was "One Million B.C." (1940). Then there was "One Million Years B.C." (1967). Then came this inevitable porno remake, which I saw in a copy that was missing much of the sex scenes and the credits. This makes the list solely on the I-saw-it-you-won't basis.

When Women Had Tails (1970)

This rather charming comedy starring Senta Berger had a sequel, "When Women Lost Their Tails" (1971) but the sequel has no charm at all.

Creatures the World Forgot (1970)

More dinosaurs than cavewomen, this fun romp has Playboy playmate Julie Ege.

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970)

Proving that 1970 was the high-water mark for lowbrow cavewomen movies. Victoria Vetri is head cavewoman here.

Teenage Caveman (1958)

This stars Robert Vaughan, who appears to be wearing hush puppies insome scenes. Darrah Marshall is the main cavewoman.

The People That Time Forgot (1977)

Sequel to "Land That Time Forgot" (1975) and "At the Earth's Core" (1976), this has Dana Gillespie as a cavewoman. Too bad Caroline Munro of "At the Earth's Core" didn't don the fur bikini.

Caveman (1981)

Stars Ringo Starr, so the main cavewoman is his real-life spouse Barbara Bach.

Honorable Mention

Cavegirl (1985)
Clan of the Cave Bear (1986)
Quest For Fire (1981)
The Flintstones (1994)
The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000)
The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak (1985)

The Annex

In trying to find a cavewoman movie with either Sandahl Bergman or Sybil Danning, I searched rather far and wide. Here's other films that got momentary consideration (few even come close to having cavewomen):

Cave of the Living Dead (1963)
Prehistoric Babes in Armageddon City (1993)
Trog (170)
Iceman (1984)
Encino Man (1992)
Eegah! (1962)
Schlock (aka The Banana Monster) (1973)
Dinosaurus! (1960)
Epic: Days of the Dinosaurs (1987)
The Lost Continent (1951)
The Lost Continent (1968)
The Lost World (1925)
The Lost World (1960)
Massacre in Dinosaur Valley (1985)
Planet of the Dinosaurs (1980)
The Mole People (1956)
Mole Men vs. the Son of Hercules (1962)
The Cave (2005)
Being Human (1994)
Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island (1995)
Untamed Women (1952)
Mesa of Lost Women (1952)
Ironmaster (1982)
Yor: the Hunter From the Future (1983)
Kilma, Queen of the Amazons (1975)
Escape From Galaxy 3 (1986)
Phoenix the Warrior (1987)
Barbarian Queen (1984)
Barbarian Queen II: Empress Strikes Back (1989)
She (1925)
She (1935)
She (1965)
She (1982)
Phantom Empire (1986)
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Conan the Destroyer (1984)
Red Sonja (1985)
History of the World, Part 1 (1981)
Nymphoid Barabarian in Dinosaur Hell (1990)

My friends never let me pick which movie to watch...


Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

this inevitable porno remake ... was missing much of the sex scenes and the credits

Missing the credits! ZOMG, that's the only thing I watch porno for!

Don't despair of finding a mate just yet, Steve. You're right next to Wisconsin, where it is still legal to bash a woman over her head, drag her by her hair back to your cave and make her your mate. Don't worry - you can't really hurt a Wisconsin woman's head: They're all made of soft cheese ...

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

O - I saw Ringo's Caveman in the theater when it came out. Saw it with Teh 'Dad. He (Teh 'D.) still has not forgiven me.

How could you not mention John Matuszak's pivotal role as "Tonda"?

Jean said...

I loved seeing "Cavewoman Cavalcade" appearing in my blogroll! :)

I actually remember seeing "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death." And acting tour de force starring Shannon Tweed and ...Bill Maher?

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

The first blog I had a couple-three years ago that no one read?

I titled it "For My Amusement Alone". And it really was.

That's one step above "For No One". Or perhaps below. Because even I was not amused by it.

Rupert Pupkin said...

Love this list Steve! Would love to see your Giant Spiders movie list too!

Jennythenipper said...

Funny stuff. I haven't seen a one of these, which proves that I've barely scratched the surface that is popular film.

I look forward to your giant spider movie post and put in a plug for the MST3K version of The Horror of Spider Island. The horror and the spiders are thin on the ground but you can't walk without tripping over a scantily clad 60s babe.

Jennythenipper said...

I see One Million BC is on TV this week. I'll have to check it out!

PiccolaPineCone said...

great list - how about tackling awful horror movies next? (are you taking requests for this too?) "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" should top that list.

on a different note... if you really are taking athletes and if you really aren't too scary and puking is really not mandatory, could you send me your e-mail address so we could discuss? you can reach me at RunnerWoman-AT-gmail-DOT-com. Grazie!

Psyche said...

The sheer fact that you know so much about cavewoman movies is disturbing.

The fact that there are so MANY cavewoman movies is a close second!

However, you get props for cool alliteration- I, too, enjoyed seeing Cavewoman Cavalcade on my blogrool:)

SteveQ said...

Jenny, the genre started after the era of your expertise (perhaps that's why you don't get film noir as well).

Psyche, my knowledge is extremely broad and extremely deep, but rather like a comb - go just a bit away from a tooth and there's nothing.

PPC, "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" is King Lear compared to REALLY bad movies.