"There's only one hard and fast rule in running: sometimes you have to run one hard and fast."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Steve Goes on a Date and Other Atrocities

One of the things that I actually enjoy about writing this blog is that there are a couple of people who read it who just seem to hate me... and yet they read the blog! I'm sure they haven't actually met me, because as Rasmus and Nic both pointed out, I'm a surprisingly nice guy in person, contrary to the persona that comes across electronically.

(Rasmus, btw... that parody has GOT to be a winner!)

Mediocre training and fpv

That's "freakish personal victory." Yesterday, I went out for what was supposed to be a longish run with some speedwork. At 4 miles, my heart rate monitor alarm went off, as it hit 192. My maximum is 184. Sometimes a monitor will misread if the band slips. Sometimes there's an irregular heartbeat. This was a steady number, at the top of a hill (at 5:50 per mile!) just as I dropped to my knees and fell forward, face in the mud.

I said I trained hard...

So, I'm "winning the workouts," which is not a smart way to train, but I felt good doing it and then I ran another four slow miles and spent two hours digging trees out of my garden.

So how's the personal life, Steve?

I met Amy on-line, which is about the only place I seem to meet anyone any more and where I can seem smart, witty and even charming at times. We bantered back and forth and discovered we're on opposite sides of town and it just seemed natural to continue the conversation at a coffeehouse (we'd both done the Google-stalker thing).

When I arrived, she gave me the once-over, which women usually do tactfully enough that guys don't notice - a talent guys either don't have or don't bother using, it seems - and I caught her looking at my shoes. That's the classic sign of: "I'm putting a dollar amount on everything." She then proceeded to ask financial questions at which IRS officials blush and moved on to my past dating history.

Honest and direct. Not bad qualities in themselves. Not attractive just then, though.

No, she didn't get to hear about Trailer Park Goth Girl, Supermodel Diva, Rub-On Tramp Stamp Victim or Little Miss Jailbait, the most recent women in my background. She wanted to know what my longest relationship has been: I've had a female friend for 25 years, had an off-and-on romantic relationship that lasted 4 years, a continuous one of 18 months and one that I can't quite classify for 2 1/2 years. In order: crazy, dead, crazy and dead, and evil.

Marsh mudmess

Like everyone else, my basketball brackets got ruined by Northern Iowa. But it reminded me of two former girlfriends, also not mentioned above. When I moved to Indiana, I had to learn basketball; it's a law. Mary Ann, who'd been hanging around my lab a lot after I snuck a TV into the boss's office, was watching the NCAA tournament with me. "Wanna mess around?" she asked. "If Duke loses, I can still win the pool," was my response. We'd been dancing around the subject of where the friendship (possibly more) was going. She took off her ever-present bulky sweater and I found myself saying, "Where'd THOSE come from?" I'd thought she always wore the ridiculously oversized sweaters to hide the fact that she was, well, heavy. Turns out she was hiding the largest breasts I'd ever seen. "You really aren't very observant, are you," she laughed, "Well, at least I know you actually like me, not them." Then another great comment from me: "Honestly, I'm not sure I'd know what to do with those."

"You're smart. You'll figure it out."

Duke won. Mary Ann ended up marrying a friend of mine a year later. I wasn't invited to the wedding. Who was I actually dating at the time? Sarah, the world's smallest pharmacist (4 foot 1 inch, 50 lbs.)

Indiana was one continuous sideshow. But I learned a lot about basketball. Still can't win a March madness pool, though.


roughkat said...

That was one of the funniest things I've read in a while, and I don't mean the part where you fell face first into the mud. Never met you in person yet, but I hope to soon at a race or just a run somewhere.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

On[e] of the things that I actually enjoy about writing this blog is that there are a couple of people who read it who just seem to hate me

Geez, man, define "a couple"! You're usually so precise. Because I'm the owner and moderator of the online group "I Hate SteveQ", and our membership list just hit 50.

Full Disclosure: I'm not just the owner and moderator. I'm also a member.

And NO I DON'T mean "member" as in "d*ck"!

SteveQ said...

G, do you ever read more than the first sentence before you comment?
I left myself open for a "sweater basketballs" joke!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Yeah, I take back what I said about your usually being precise because I'm looking all over for a clue as to who "Rasmus" is and where I have to go to read his winning SteveQ-esque post and I see you have conveniently not provided a single one ... much less an actual link.


Hope those Bristols weren't sharp as a pistol. Or as convoluted as the road signs in Bristol, PA.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I take breasts VERY seriously.

It's t*ts that I find hilarious.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

BTW, you also left drunken Irishmen open to jokes about laying roads and as a drunken Irishman, I RESENT it!1!

Because i don't lay roads. I make sweet, sweet lurve to them.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Hahahahaahah! I totally agree! Rasmus wins!

Okay, I'm gonna stop posting comments to your blog, now ...

nwgdc said...

Best post in a while, Steve! But don't put too much stock in ME saying YOU'RE a nice guy.
I'm pretty sure at some point I've told people Glaven is a good guy. And I've never even MET him.

The Lorax said...

Dear Glaven,

Rasmus is my papa.


The Lorax

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I've told people Glaven is a good guy

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nic! I've said some nasty things about you in my day, and I've never regretted even one, but I never said anything THAT character-assassinating about YOU!

I want you to track those people down TODAY and tell them you were lying! I have a reputation to live down to, you know!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Steve, I know I said I'd quit posting to your blog today, but aside from being a total d*ck (GOT THAT, Dr. Nic?), I'm also a liar.

But I'll stop now. (<-- TOTAL d*ckish lie.)

nwgdc said...

Not only is he a good guy, he's also very honest.
Can't think of any bad things to say about the guy.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...


Jean said...

Wow, what a fantastic post. Thanks for sharing! That was a really fun read. Gotta love that March Madness! :)

Psyche said...

Steve- Great post. Really enjoyed reading about other aspects of your life.

Surely your sarcasm and biting wit are mere defense mechanisms!

Me thinks the REAL SteveQ is a somewhat shy, reserved, and very intelligent guy. Who can run until he falls down. Face first. (Emil Zatopek just popped into my head. Go figure:)).

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Your irate heathen comment will not earn you the coveted "Heathens Welcome!" graphic because you're always irate, what with all those Bad Vibes you bring to the trails, and I suspect you're not even a practicing heathen, so EAT it, SteveQ, because, remember, you can't spell "hEAThen" without "EAT". (<-- The "it" is understood.)

N.B.: You could misspell it without "eat" but, pffttt! "Hhen"? No one will know what you're talking about, not even other hhens.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I read about 2/3 of TS for an undergraduate class - that's all the prof required. I loved it - what I read of it - but never went back to it, even though I always intended to.

You are now the visual standard for heathenality at my blog.

You've made the Big Time, Kid! Ya went out there a Nobody and came back Top Heathen!1!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I have never proclaimed myself an expert on anything, which I think would be a necessary prerequisite for being clept a "self-proclaimed expert". Merely that I write about music no more makes me (or makes me think myself) an expert than the fact that I write about running makes me (or makes me mistakenly think myself) an expert on running.

That said, tomorrow I will post (self-proclaimedly expertly) on "TCSoBB" and "MSH".

I leave you with this teaser: The former is a John song (and the line "not when he looked so fierce" is sung by Yoko, another of John's creepy Oedipal conflations of mother and girlfriend); and the latter is a Paul song that John absolutely hated - just HATED.

Meghan said...


I just wanted to say that this was one of the funniest self depreciation posts I've read in a while. I'm laughing out loud!


RBR said...

I am home sick today and catching up from my own teacher version of March madness, but I had to comment

In order: crazy, dead, crazy and dead, and evil.

I adore you. I truly, truly do.

I am certain we will never run together, but the thought of embarrassing the snot out of you in front of your granola crunching ultra-buddies, when I show up to a trail run in full pink regalia with my camera on my fully loaded run belt, looking as UN-hardcore as I possibly can, is rather attractive to me. I cheer and scream "Woo Hoo!" in the serene woods as well.

If you have never read my one and only 50K report, Skyline to Sea in 2008, you may want to. I stick out like a sore, pustulated thumb at trail runs.

Speaking of viscous body fluids, snorting coffee out your nose when you have a head cold is unpleasant to say the least.

Very funny post. Good show