If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know I suffer from bouts of depression. Not running, sleeping maybe 90 minutes a day and pacing back and forth waiting for a break in the incessant pain has me at a point where I'm dancing on the rim of the pit.
It's weird and frustrating that I can't just blurt out what's going on here, but it's partly the fault of US medicine and insurance. I'm switching from one insurance to another, so if I say I have some problem it's a pre-existing condition and not covered and I'm paranoid enough to believe that some insurance company menial will check here (I would). There's a pile of paperwork that's all conflicting, so right now nothing's covered.
A word about pain levels: when you go to a hospital, you're always asked to describe pain on a 10 point scale, with 10 being the worst pain you've ever had. That's just stupid, as some people have experienced far worse pain than others. I once passed a kidney stone, which is often stated as unbearable - it's about a 3. I pulled one of my own wisdom teeth (wilderness, no where near a dentist) - a 5. I'd reserve 10 for end-stage bone cancer. The last time I was in the hospital for something painful (idiopathic esophageal spasms), they let me scream for 4 hours to make sure it wasn't drug-seeking behavior; then they gave me a boatload of morphine and said I was at the point where more would cause me to stop breathing - it was a 7 before the morphine, 5 after.
Note added: I just found a reasonable 10 point scale here. I'm at 8-9 on it.
Opiates simply don't work for me. I'm trying everything from acupressure to hypnosis, using medications to take the edge off. What works is packing the effected area in ice - and I'm spending my time indoors dressed for sub-zero temps because that much ice for that long is that cold.
I can't do anything, because I can't concentrate and I've been tired so long that I have no co-ordination. I almost make terrible decisions, thinking perhaps I should drink myself into passing out, just for the relief.
It's these times where you count your blessings. Loving family? Nope. Rewarding career? Nope. Health? Nope. Best to stop there...
Sometimes you struggle to get through the day just in the hope that the next will be better. Sometimes you struggle to get through the day without that hope.
Sunday Night Musings
5 days ago