None of my flatware matches, so I guess I have to get married. That's the only way guys get new flatware. Of course, if you say "flatware" rather than plates and spoons, everyone thinks you're gay and it's never going to happen.
I signed up with a dating service and this is the letter they sent back. "Dear Mr. Quick, Thank you for choosing IdealMate. We're sorry, but we're currently unable to match you with any of our other clients, which is weird, because you're not exactly picky; maybe you come off as kind of desperate. Anyway, the biggest problem, we think, is your answer when we asked you to describe your ideal mate. You said, 'Samantha Stevens on "Bewitched," not because of the magic, but because her husband got replaced with a gay actor and she didn't seem to notice... and I've got plans where that could be real handy.'"
Two jokes in a row using the word "gay." To make up for it, I'll probably have to come out of the closet. Which is a shame, because my mop and broom are simply fabulous and I feel guilty not spending more time with them.
4 hours ago